


Waves of the world (pulling you under, leaving me stranded)

by Amazaria



Category: One Piece
Genre: Angst, Canon character deaths, Gen, Grief, I mean I'll tag it to be sure, I've re-read this but don't trust me, Is it major character death if we know from the beginning he's dead, Sorry for murdering english, Yes plural because Rayleigh life's is sad and his friends are all dead, angst with no comfort, have I told you about my emotions about Rayleigh yet, this is one hundred percent sad and unecessary
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-13
Updated: 2018-11-13
Packaged: 2019-08-23 06:06:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16613357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amazaria/pseuds/Amazaria
Summary: "It's been three years since Ace's death, and way too long since Roger's."(or: in which Rayleigh lets himself remember what he lost- and tries not to drown in the memories.)





	Waves of the world (pulling you under, leaving me stranded)

_"All my nightmares escaped my head,_

_Bar the door, please don't let them in._

_You were never supposed to leave,_

_Now my head's splitting at the seams."_

                                             Radical Face, Welcome Home [(x)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P8a4iiOnzsc)

 

 

It's the anniversary of Ace's death, tonight.

Rayleigh feels strangely sad, for no logical reason.

It shouldn't- he doesn't understand why it hits him with such violence, this particular year. Granted, before Marineford, he didn't know Ace- or, since he still doesn't, and probably never will, afraid as he is to stir up bad memories - he didn't know _about_ Ace.

What he knows, now, he heard from Luffy.

But even then, the number of stories and anecdotes he actually knows is ridiculously small; Luffy doesn't talk about the past much, and poking at the giant wound (still healing on Luffy's chest at the time) that was Ace's death never seemed like the best thing to do.

He still feels like he should try to know about Ace, though, even if it's way too late. If not because he was Roger's son, then because he was Rouge's.

 _Seas_ , he misses Rouge.

Maybe that's why Ace's death anniversary is perturbing him so much. It's another day where Rouge and Roger are omnipresent, and yet gone forever.

He misses them.

He misses them _so much._

He misses the flowers Rouge loved way too much and Roger's stupid, impractical coat. He misses his quarters on the Oro Jackson and the ridiculously small boat he and Roger first sailed on. He misses fighting Sea Kings and the quiet tranquility of nights on land, surrounded by friends.

If he were there, Roger would laugh, probably.

Then again, he isn't; that's the problem. _Should have stayed, Captain; the world was always brighter when you were there._

It's been three years since Ace's death, and way too long since Roger's. The past two years hadn't been too bad; but, well, he was still on Rusukaina, with Luffy, (even though he had been gone for almost the entire second year, he had made sure to stop by on this particular day), and, well- it had been more his student's grief than his.

But this year- oh, this year, there's no one to distract him from his thoughts.

The grief is still as sharp as the first day, as devastating and impossible. It's been 25 years this since Roger's gone, and still, Rayleigh sometimes finds himself waiting for his Captain to lead the way to an unexplored island; still, he has to make a conscious effort to stop himself from thinking of Luffy's hat as Roger's (still, it breaks him to see his Captain's hat on his student's head; and it's a punch to his gut, a bullet directly to his heart each time Luffy grins his oh-so-familiar smile in his direction).

It's been 24 years since Rouge died, and still he wonders sometimes about what kind of gift he should get for her birthday; still, he hears her voice in his head, laughing to their captain's antics. Still- oh, still, he regrets letting her go into hiding and not following her, not protecting her; and probably, if she heard that she'd broke his nose, because she was " _not a damsel in distress and not in need of protecting, Rayleigh, thank you very much!_ ", and also because Rouge, just like Roger, loved her friends to the point of dying for them, but never could have accepted their willingness to do the same for her.

Yeah, if Roger or Rouge were there, they'd laugh at him, surely.

But- well, he's alone.

He met the Strawhats' first mate, back on Sabaody. He finds himself thinking of him, tonight; thinks of him arriving first, thinks of him rushing to his captain side for battle, thinks and thinks and thinks...

 _Be careful,_ he wanted to say to him at this moment, the part of him that's bitter and angry, the part of him that loved Roger so much it collapsed on itself the moment its King was gone, whispering and crying and snarling. _Be careful, because they hold your heart in their hands, and they find it too precious to keep, and they give it back to you with pieces forever attached to them; be careful, because they seem invincible and impossible and then they're gone, and your life is black and dull but their last order was to live, so you do; be careful, because they're free spirits, miracles gifted to you for the shortest time, and whatever happens, in the end, you won't be able to protect them, because they'll protect you first; be careful, oh, be careful, because they die with a smile on their lips and your world crumbles._

_Be careful; oh, be careful._

But Luffy isn't Roger; and that's a warning that should be issued to the whole crew, probably, because it's obvious when you see them that Luffy is their sun and air, their guide and hope. It's obvious that if anything happened to this bundle of miracles they call Captain, then they would go to war with reality itself.

Maybe, Rayleigh thinks, maybe it's because they lost him, lost one another, already. He and Roger had almost never been separated, after their meeting, after all. Maybe they're more prepared; but then again, there's no such thing as being ready for the loss of a sun.

He takes a deep breath, suddenly, a drowning man surfacing for a second. Lost in memories and regrets, he clings to the sound of waves and the pale glow of the stars, to concrete things, like his whole world hasn't collapsed around him a million years ago; like he isn't on a deserted island, alone, longing for friends long lost and a simpler time.

"Freedom was never worth your life, Captain," whispers Rayleigh to the ocean and the stars, a lost man contemplating a long-gone past and wishing desperately to go back in time and change it, to speak the words he forgot or didn't dare say.

The words echoed in the silent atmosphere, strangely heavy. He wasn't sure whether he meant them as a plea or a blame. He wasn't sure it actually mattered.

"But then, that was never what it was about, was it?" He murmurs, softly.

Because of course it wasn't; of course. Roger had been a little selfish, maybe; what with getting executed and leaving in a blaze of glory, and denying them the right to be at their Captain's side the moment of his death. But- his Captain had always been foolishly proud and stupidly noble; once he saw an opportunity to protect his crew and Rouge _and_ to give himself a grand final? Well, of course, he had to choose it.

Roger hadn't been perfect; but, oh, that hadn't stopped Rayleigh from loving him so, so much.

That doesn't stop him from missing him. Nothing ever will.

It's stupid, the way he's longing for the way things were before instead of focusing on what he has now; but he lost _so much_ , and it hurts.

(And, well, there's no one there to distract him from his thoughts anymore, no one to propel him to a new adventure, a new way of life, without any warning. There's no one to annoy him about navigating, no one to scream at him for not avoiding a snowstorm that had damaged the flowers, no one to fill the silence. So it's their fault; because Rayleigh didn't know. He hadn't been warned; he wasn't, couldn't be prepared for devoting his life to someone and then suddenly losing them.

His captain was gone; he hadn't heard from the rest of his crew in forever; his home had been scattered in the wind; now what is he supposed to do? Live?

But how do you live, when your heart belonged in another ribcage, one that had stopped beating?)

Rayleigh misses the days he looked ahead and saw his captain; misses the day he looked ahead and didn't expect to see Roger. He misses the days his captain was there and misses the days this insane Pirate King hadn't yet shaken his small, safe world to its core.

And it's not something he lingers on, usually; because he can't, oh, he can't. Yet on this evening, alone on an island he must have already visited but don't remember, he lets his grip on his grief loosen; and maybe, maybe it doesn't make sense, for it to be hurting so bad after so long.

But he finds that he doesn't particularly care, because after all, his world stopped making sense a long ago.

.oOo.

(In the back of his mind echoes words long gone.

"I'm not going to die, partner."

Rayleigh laughs, because the last thing Roger said to him was a lie.

The world feels so, so cold.)

**Author's Note:**

> I blame grainjew for all the sad Rayleigh Emotions. Also, go check their series about Rouge, Roger & Rayleigh! It's called "there we were, the three of us (threads of crimson, silver and gold)" and it's less sad and better written than this
> 
> Also credits to them for finding the song of this OS!


End file.
